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“Speak no ill of J.Lo” and other weird divorce settlement agreements

“Speak no ill of J.Lo” and other weird divorce settlement agreements

Entire countries are on lockdown due to the coronavirus outbreak. That means families must self-quarantine indefinitely. In Washington, infection rates seem to be leveling off, but the overall outlook remains dire.

Being quarantined with your spouse for prolonged periods of time could result in mounting arguments over finances, housekeeping, and other issues. Brewing marital discord could be exacerbated in these tough times, leading to divorce.

The following ex-couples have been lucky to have filed for divorce in saner times. They didn’t have to be locked up with their exes, making for an unforgettable divorce procedure.

The equitable distribution of equine assets

We know celebrities are an odd lot. If we were to handle the case of the recently divorced William Shatner and his wife Elizabeth Martin, we thought we’d more or less know what to expect: settling assets like millions of dollars, sports cars, and arguments over $150,000 worth of designer shoes paid by child support. But celebrities just keep raising the bar.

Like any other couple, the Shatners divided assets including their horses. And if you didn’t know it then, you will know it now: if you’re dividing equine assets, don’t neglect to take into account the thoroughbreds’ semen.

Like Shatner’s seminal work as Captain James T. Kirk in the Star Trek TV series, the terms of the exes’ marital property division will go down in history — but for all the wrong reasons. All the same, it’s certainly one of the most unforgettable celebrity divorce settlements ever.

The precious monikers of a former Baywatch lifeguard

In 2008, actor David Hasselhoff finalized the terms of his divorce with his wife Pamela Bach. The properties divided were, in all likelihood, mundane: yachts, Baywatch memorabilia, and loads of cash.

What no one could have anticipated were the things Mr. Hasselhoff truly cherished and decided to keep: the rights to use his several popular nicknames, “The Hoff” and “Malibu Dave,” as well as his personal slogan, “Don’t hassle the Hoff.”

And we have no doubt that he was able to keep all of them.

If you can’t say anything nice about J.Lo, don’t say anything at all

We don’t know much about Dayanara Torres. We know only a couple of things: she represented Puerto Rico in the 1993 Miss Universe and won; she had a brief stint as a pop music artist, and; she used to be married to Latin singer Marc Antony.

We also happen to know that she signed an agreement never to speak ill of J.Lo, a.k.a. Marc Antony's ex-wife with whom he had kids. Drafting non-disparagement clauses in divorce settlement agreements is pretty routine, more so when they involve international stars.

There would not have been any reason for the Boricua beauty to disparage the luminous J.Lo (fun fact: J.Lo’s also Puerto Rican). Things changed when Dayanara perceived that her ex was underpaying child support payments and neglecting his duties as a father to their kids.

Since she signed an agreement never to speak ill of J.Lo, she couldn’t speak ill of her, even when she felt that her ex-husband had been paying J.Lo more child support. Dayanara could have gamed the system by becoming a music or film critic and writing essays about J.Lo’s singing or acting.

Here are the royalties, My Dear

Breakup albums tend to be a hit with the general public; just ask Bob Dylan, Joni Mitchell, and Adele. In 1978, Marvin Gaye allegedly tried to sabotage his breakup album called Here, My Dear. That’s because he was supposed to pay child support to his then soon-to-be-ex Anna Gordy from the album’s royalties.

He reportedly set out to record a terrible album that the critics and the public would reject. Alas, the album was a moderate hit, and in recent years, it even gained a reputation as one of the greatest breakup albums of all time.

The truth was that Ms. Gordy was going to get paid a fixed amount of alimony regardless of whether Here, My Dear became a hit or a flop.

Marital disputes still occur even during a pandemic. If you’re seeking representation in divorce proceedings in Washington, family law attorneys Buckingham, LaGrandeur, & Williams are accepting inquiries.