‘Father absence’ is a situation where a child doesn’t live with the father, either because the parents have split up or have never lived together to begin with. It doesn’t always mean a child has never had contact with his biological dad, although that’s also an absent-father scenario.
Being a father requires a certain level of maturity and selflessness that many famous deadbeat daddies just didn’t have. There are varying levels of absenteeism in the eyes of the law, but for this article we created our own rating system, which you are free to dispute.
Bobby Brown - 80% Absentee
This infamous singer/songwriter's life story has more ups and downs than a Disney World rollercoaster. In the ’80s and early ’90s, he was recording chart-topping music and starring in films and TV shows that were smash hits in hospital waiting rooms. In the ’00s, he was in the process of divorcing Whitney Houston and almost going to jail for skipping child support payments from a previous marriage.
In 2007, a Massachusetts judge ordered his arrest after he missed a hearing over a delinquent child support. He coughed up $19,000, and was let off the hook.
In many states, including Washington, non-custodial parents are required to help the custodial parent pay for the child’s basic needs. Courts typically examine the parents’ income to determine the amount of payment, and unfortunately for Bobby, the child support agreement was drafted long before the made-for-TV-movie checks stopped rolling in.
Based on some very academic research, it looks like Bobby Brown spent an average of 2.5 months per year with his kids, which means he was there only 20% of the time. That's a failing grade even by celeb standards.
Future - 37% Absentee
Full disclosure, the percentage thing isn't a wholly original idea. Courts sometimes measure absenteeism this way, and such was the case with Future, the musician whose name might make you think he cares about children. He does not.
According to his ex-fiance, R&B singer Ciara, Future canceled several son/daughter visits at the last minute and plain old didn't show up for others. She also stated that when Future Junior (his legal name, seriously) visits his dad’s hometown in Georgia, the little boy spends more time with his grandma and great-grandma (unfortunately, not named Past and Past Senior) than with his dad.
According to Ci-Ci, the constant cross-country traveling and the less-than-ideal parenting arrangement is making Future Junior exhausted and emotionally and mentally unwell.
That’s not very good fathering indeed.
Based on Ciara’s precise calculations, Future is 37% absent because ‘he skips scheduled visits 37% of the time.’ We didn’t even have to use our totally real equation.
Francois-Henri Pinault - 100% Absentee
Kering CEO Francois-Henri Pinault’s four-month fling with supermodel Linda Evangelista resulted in a lovechild that he regularly forgets he has.
When little Augustin was born, it didn’t shock Linda that Henri didn’t want to have anything to do with him. She even agreed to hold off on a paternity claim until after Pinault’s child with wife Salma Hayek had been born.
Linda then pressed on and decided that the Christmas and birthday cards he sends Augie would no longer cut it, and demanded $46,000 in child support -- an insane amount only if the father weren’t worth billions.
Linda once said that supermodels like her ‘don’t wake up for less than $10,000 a day.’ So if one day she realizes that her son, an otherwise average child, shouldn't wake up for less than $1,500 per day, she can apply for an increase in child support.
For publicly declaring he wanted nothing to do with Augie and doubling down with a court battle, Pinault gets 100% absenteeism.
If an ex-spouse has been missing child support payments or breaking the terms of your agreement, you need more than a flimsy equation made up for the sake of satire. You need attorneys Buckingham, LaGrandeur or Williams to help ensure support payment orders are 99.99% fair.