In 2012, Lindsay Lohan bumped into a woman in a New York club, defiantly declared “I need space!” and then closed-fist clocked the woman square in the face.
But LiLo -- or any child-star-turned-criminal -- assaulting an innocent bystander in a nightclub brawl isn’t exactly a groundbreaking topic.
To really up the intrigue, we’re zeroing in on celebrity big shots who took face shots from other hot shots after one too many boozy shots.
Knock-knock-knockin’ on Bill Bruce’s face
Pack enough celebrity egos into a room and a fight is pretty much guaranteed. And that’s exactly what happened at Rosario Dawson’s birthday party in 2006.
Guns N’ Roses was scheduled to dedicate a set to the actress later in the evening, but first, the band’s notoriously hated frontman Axl Rose was due for an embarrassing beating.
The guest list was long and included bad boys like Mickey Rourke and Kid Rock, but the two-fisted pummeling came from none other than Tommy Hilfiger.
You read that correctly, the man whose lifetime achievement will be making the New England preppy look fashionable for high schoolers had to be pulled off a rock star famous for jumping into crowds and brawling with fans.
According to a radio interview, the 55-year-old fashion designer lost it after Axl moved a drink that belonged to Hilfiger’s girlfriend.
Axl described it as "the most surreal thing, I think, that's ever happened to me in my life."
Which speaks volumes coming from a guy who pays a psychic known as “Yoda” to accompany him on tour.
Rather than call a personal injury lawyer, Axl took to the birthday stage to dedicate a performance of “You’re Crazy” to Hilfiger.
Jack Bauer breaks Jack McCollough's nose
Kiefer Sutherland is known for partying hard and getting physical. At times that has meant pretending to be a pirate and tackling hotel-lobby Christmas trees, and in 2009 it meant headbutting a famous fashion designer in a Manhattan night club.
Eye witness reports of the latter were a tad contradictory, but here’s what we can be sure of:
Kiefer was drunkenly chatting up Brooke Shields when Jack McCollough approached them. The Kiefmeister thought Jack pushed Ms. Shields and demanded that he apologize. Some claim that Jack then pushed Sutherland, but what no one disputes is that the altercation ended when Sutherland slammed his forehead into Jack’s face -- breaking his nose.
After weeks of debating how events unfolded, McCollough dropped the charges and the two made public statements of reconciliation -- making it just about the happiest ending Jack Bauer has ever known.
Rapocalypse: everyone and their favorite NBA player get hurt
In June 2012, musician Chris Brown and his entourage spent a night partying at the W.i.P club in New York City. It was a rollicking good time of boozing and whatever qualifies for dancing nowadays...until fellow artist Drake showed up.
Partiers noticed the mood go sour almost immediately, and most had a pretty good idea of why. Brown had a very public relationship with Rihanna, and soon after it ended, she and Drake began dating.
Brown’s entourage claims that Chris sent a bottle of champagne to Drake’s table, but instead of gratitude Drake asked the nightclub staff to deliver an inflammatory note.
The note said, “I’m [canoodling] the love of your life, deal with it.”
Except, you know, the not-so-polite word for canoodling.
That was the last ingredient needed for a good, old-fashioned bar riot, and no one was holding back.
Brawls erupted, bottles flew and gunshots were fired.
One errant bottle struck Brown and split open his chin.
Another broke, slicing four-time NBA champion Tony Parker’s cornea.
Yea, Tony was there too. But without an entourage is a celebrity’s attendance really worth noting?
Pretty much everyone in the club who had ever seen more than four 0s on their bank statement ran straight from the club to their lawyer.
The club sued Chris Brown and Drake, entourage bodyguards sued the club and the opposing musician, and Tony Parker claimed he was suing whomever ended up being responsible for starting the whole thing.
It was a real liability and personal injury [canoodle]-fest.
Legal outcomes
Each of the aggressors in these cases -- Hilfiger, Sutherland, Brown, and whatever Drake’s last name is -- got off almost totally scot-free. No criminal charges or civil cases went to trial and the celebrity victims paid for their own medical bills.
It doesn’t take six years of law school or a powdered wig to realize that this is not the case when we peasants are involved in personal injury lawsuits.
Unless you’ve got a #1 album for sale on iTunes or a TV franchise that refuses to die paying your bills, give the Buckingham, LaGrandeur & Williams team a call the next time you’re involved in a case within our purview.