One of our favorite things to do with this blog is lampoon celebrities for their unrivaled affinity for opulence and luxury. But there’s one luxury they’ll never get, and it’s one you already have: workplace safety.
Seriously, Wikipedia has a gigantic page of on-set injuries which lists a whopping 62 incidents from 2010 to 2016. Does your office average more than 10 injuries per year? We didn’t think so.
So, let’s play a game. We give you a dangerous workplace scenario, and you try to guess the real-world outcome.
Scenario #1: Your boss wants to install a smoke machine for “ambiance”
Unfortunately, actors and actresses don’t have a lot of say re: workplace ambiance, and no one knows that better than Jennifer Lawrence.
After an on-set smoke machine went haywire while filming a scene for the third Hunger Games movie, JLaw was stuck choking to death in a tunnel so full of smoke it took several minutes to find and retrieve her.
Outcome? If you guessed "asphyxiation of your star employee," you’re right!
Scenario #2: Work asks to pin your eyelids open during an HR training
Have you ever cursed your boss for being too much of a perfectionist? You should try complaining to the lead actor from Stanley Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange.
Did you predict “blinding the most essential person in your organization?” You’d be half right.
Malcolm McDowell suffered from a scratched cornea that caused temporary blindness after the director asked him to actually pin his eyes open with metal clamps for the infamous brainwashing scene.
The steady hand administering eyedrops to Malcolm in the final cut? That was a real doctor brought on set to keep the medieval contraption from blinding the actor.
Scenario #3: Your next meeting is scheduled during a lightning storm...atop a mountain
The answer? Electrocution.
Jim Caviezel was struck by lightning while filming the crucifixion scene for The Passion of the Christ. The “God’s wrath” jokes were played out before filming even wrapped up. Instead, let’s talk about Gibson’s wrath.
Can you just imagine a boss putting you in what is obviously an incredibly dangerous situation? No. Because you’re a human being...not an actor.
Scenario #4: A co-workers straps you to a chair for his presentation
Fun fact: 2005 was the last year the Academy gave out $100K+ gift baskets at the Oscars because neither celebrities nor the Academy were paying taxes on them.
That was also the year George Clooney won an Oscar for his role in Syriana, a movie which left the silver fox with permanent damage to his spinal cord.
If you guessed that getting tied to a chair might result in one of your employees tearing his dura mater, you’d be 100% correct. But we’ll also accept “the chair falls over and someone gets hurt.”
The dura mater is a membrane that surrounds your brain and spinal cord. In the real world, that 5-minute torture scene ended with the Cloonster leaking spinal fluid. He’s still suffering from migraines over a decade later.
Here’s hoping he could hawk that complimentary iPod to pay for his workplace injury.
Scenario #5: A cubemate asks permission to cook at their desk
Jackie Chan didn’t ask for any culinary privileges on the set of Police Story, but he did request permission to do a dangerous stunt that put nearby actors in harm’s way.
Although Jackie’s list of on-set injuries is longer than Lindsay Lohan’s rap sheet, the most famous example of his insane stunts gone wrong is when he slid down a 50-foot pole wrapped in christmas lights before landing on the wrong side of a glass ceiling.
The outcome of this scenario? The very-real lights left Mr. Chan with burns all over his body before he broke two of his vertebrae and dislocated his pelvis to “stick the landing.”
That uneven bit of carpet you keep tripping over at the office doesn’t sound so bad now, does it?
But in the off chance that you do suffer from a slip or fall at the office, you don’t need to guess the outcome. We’ll give you the answer right here:
You call Buckingham, LaGrandeur & Williams and win the case against whatever corporate Kubrick got you injured.