The average monthly salary in the Evergreen State hovers around $4,800, with the minimum wage providing approximately $1,600 per month to teenagers dipping their toes into the muddy depths of taxes.
That’s not enough to qualify for a refund, so most teenagers receive parental support in the form of a hand-me-down Dodge Neon and a few bits of wisdom re: courtship and daily survival. But all that changes for kids who are the flotsam from mommy or daddy’s rocketship to stardom.
If you happen to be the lucky offspring of someone still tap dancing through their 15 minutes of fame, it’s time to give us a ring and learn the French phrase for “Does this yacht come in Parisian Pink?”
The “B*tchin’ rock star from Mars” who became the king of child support
Between three marriages, an engagement broken off after he accidentally shot his fiancé (seriously), and five kids -- Charlie “Tiger Blood” Sheen, is no stranger to seeing his family in the courtroom.
But after earning $1.8 million per episode of Two and a Half Men, most of his legal troubles were no more than gnats to be swatted away with thick stacks of cash. But at the end of a 22-minute workday, children (and their legal implications) aren’t pay-it-and-forget-it problems.
Different states employ different ratios and percentages for child support calculations, but every single one takes into account the income of the parent paying child support. Which means that up until just a few months ago, Crazy Charlie was paying $110,000 per month in child support. That’s equivalent to about:
--22 car salesmen and 2.5 burger flippers in the state of Washington--
Don’t take away my personal chef, daddy!
Platinum-selling recording artist Marc Anthony almost dethroned Mr. Sheen as the king of child support, though. Because it’s not just income that comes into play, the child’s standard of living before the divorce is also a factor.
Marc’s Miss Universe ex-wife argued that she and the kids -- and we’re not editorializing here -- were living in relative poverty on his monthly $13,000 child support payments. Apparently, the discrepancy between mama’s house and papa’s house was just too much to bear and the former Mrs. Anthony asked that payments sent her way be increased by almost 1,000%.
The court ultimately settled on a much smaller increase of 100% and Mr. Anthony’s monthly payments are now in the ballpark of:
--5 hotel managers and 1.75 Fred Meyer cashiers--
T.O. gets a lesson in home economics
Athletes aren’t strangers to the set of Dr. Phil’s daytime talk show, but wide receiver Terrell Owens is definitely the most famous appearance by an NFL player.
The primary focus of the daytime drama was T.O.’s absence as a father to his four children. Each of his kids belong to a different mother, and considering how heavily day-to-day living expenses factor into child support decisions, it’s no wonder he pays a monstrous $44,600 per month.
Come on T.O., if all four of your offspring were from the same mother you could cash in on that economy of scale! One mom driving four kids to one preppy private school in one escalade is a pittance compared to four moms driving four kids to four different preppy private schools. Instead, you’re supporting small town economies all over the country with the equivalent of:
--9 schoolteachers (at a preppy private school) and just shy of 1 barista at Dutch Bros.--
US citizens almost paid for child support with their taxes -- twice
Two out of the three most recent presidential elections narrowly avoided the indignity of a POTUS who cuts child support checks from the oval office. Former US Senator and 2008 presidential candidate John Edwards was ordered to pay $5,000 per month to his campaign mistress, the same woman whose unveiling effectively saved the American people from his Georgia peach-colored tan.
Which brings us to soon-to-be-president Trump, who only recently finished paying child support to his daughter Tiffany. Until her 21st birthday, the Donald was paying $25,000 per month to buoy Marla Maples’ efforts to raise their daughter in the absence of her biological father.
Both of these men talk a lot about adding jobs to the economy...well, their child support payments equate to:
--6 accountants and one halftime janitor--
One way to characterize child support cases is an evaluation of the monetary burden of your child, followed by an argument about who owes what percentage of that amount.
Another is this: Whether you’re sending or receiving child support payments, as soon as your child is old enough to represent themselves in court...they can totally sue you -- and we are more than willing to help file the paperwork. So don’t be a cheapskate.