Do you know what the worst part of divorce is? It’s not over when you sign the dotted line.
In place of court dates, you’ll be dealing with child custody arrangements, alimony payments, and the horrors of a joint Netflix account.
Moving on is hard, and the best thing you can do to smooth the transition is to address you and your ex’s concerns as fairly and as early as possible.
If you don’t...well...you could end up signing your divorce agreement in bad blood. And that’s not fun for anyone -- except when it becomes so ridiculous you make it into a local comedy blog. Then it’s super fun for everyone but you.
Divorce decorations
Alan Markovitz wasn’t bequeathed the title of Detroit’s Topless Prophet for brandishing a The End is Nigh sign and strutting his pasty physique. He’s “America's Most Successful Gentlemen's Club Entrepreneur,” according to the subtitle of his autobiography, and with a screenplay in the works, there’s only one chapter we’re itching to see.
Markovitz is also known as Detroit’s Tasteless Reject (around our office, at least) because he caught his wife having an affair with a mutual friend and reacted...pretty much how you’d expect an obscenely rich strip club tycoon to react.
The divorce case itself was relatively uneventful, but what came next caught our eye -- and his ex’s.
Immediately after the separation was finalized, Alan moved into the house next door and threw a party to unveil his new home’s only decoration: a 12-foot-tall bronze sculpture of a hand with its middle finger pointed at his new neighbor’s bedroom window.
(We’re just surprised he didn’t have a 12-foot Ed Hardy for it.)
Actually, that wasn’t his only decoration. He also installed a spotlight to keep the “garden ornament” illuminated at night.
All in all, this shouldn't have come as a surprise based on Alan’s definition of “gentlemen.”
Stuck between a rock and a divorce case
Our next story involves a man with marginally more class than the Tasteless Reject, but only barely. Like so many couples we’ve lampooned on this blog, Dany and Isa Lariviere spent years in divorce court fighting over child custody and hurling insults. Sadly, the relationship did not improve after their case was closed.
On the morning of Isa’s first post-Dany birthday, she awoke to find one last gift from her ex. In the police report she later filed, Mr. Lariviere admitted Isa had always wanted “a big rock,” and he had finally given her one.
In the pre-dawn light, Dany had driven to one of his stone quarries, powered up a front-end loader and hauled a 40,000lb rock to Isa’s driveway. The police stopped him twice on his journey, but Dany explained that he was merely “delivering a gift.” Both times, that response (or the fact that, oh yea, Dany was the mayor) was enough to let him off the hook.
(The actual boulder was spray painted with “Happy Birthday” and adorned with a pink bow. Seriously.)
Dany said he would remove the “big rock” when Isa stopped harassing him, but the police had other ideas. He removed his gift one day later. Thankfully, he kept the receipt.
Filtering enough water for tears is going to be extra difficult
Poking fun at people (and Kardashians) who make ridiculous claims in their divorce proceedings is kind of our wheelhouse. But we may have to find a new shtick, because we’ve found the be-all and end-all of marital disagreements.
Like so many divorce court stories, this one starts with a kidney transplant. Specifically, one that was donated by Dr. Richard Batista to his wife, Dawnell. With her newfound health and happiness, Mrs. Batista snuck off to find a new, dual-kidneyed lover.
Understandably unhappy about the whole situation, Dr. Batista filed for divorce.
And demanded his kidney back.
(“Here, take this one. Works just as well, I swear.”)
In his defense, Richard also gave Dawnell the opportunity to pay him the black market value of his estranged organ ($1.5 million; but our kidney guy in Asia says that’s a lowball).
Making such a request put Dr. Batista on the wrong side of the National Organ Transplant Act of 1984. Title III if you’re doing your research. Richard’s lawyers sure didn’t.
Want to end up in the sequel to this article?
Getting through a tough divorce hinges on one thing: coming to a fair and equitable settlement. To do that, you need two things: an open mind and the help of a capable attorney. Our number is just a few inches below these words, so you already have the second half of that equation.
The other half is all you. Are you the kind of person who’s ready to compromise? Or are you the type who’s going to march from the courthouse to the nearest sculptor for a “special request?”
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